Commentary
5:00 am
Fri July 4, 2014

Happy Independence Day, Ladies!

It’s Independence Day for the women of America! You are now officially independent from the tyrannical rule of equality. No longer do you have to suffer by being clumped into the same category as men when it comes to issues like reproduction.

You are free from the awful burden of having to be the caretaker of your own body’s well-being. From now on, your lady-parts are being watched over by the founding fathers of hobby stores. They have prayerfully considered whether you have the ability to make somber decisions regarding your health, and with the assistance of the spiritual, male members of the United States Supreme Court, they have concluded that your ovaries are better off in their capable, masculine hands.

In the docket’s red glare, their wisdom has exploded its brilliance above us all. The fiery light of their ruling has burned like a laser into the chains of your enslavement to equality, dear ladies, and released you from that indentured servitude.

Rejoice for you are no longer bound by your own decision-making abilities. Hobby stores’ founding fathers’ religious beliefs are now your guides. IUDs have been thrown by the box-load into Boston Harbor, the better to make room on the boats for all those buttons, baubles and silk flowers imported from China.

So let the fireworks be launched! Celebrate your new independence from your own personal judgment in the same way all American patriots do: with firecrackers and rockets made by slave labor in a country where abortions are mandated - just like the buttons and baubles and silk flowers that patriotic business owners everywhere stock their shelves with.

Happy Independence Day, ladies!