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Fri July 5, 2013
Richard Crowson: A Truth Barometer
Here we are again. The dog days of summer. The perfect time to reflect... on dogs.
They are famously our best friends. Shouldn't we seek advice from our best friends? With this in mind, I asked my Airedale, Lucy, for help.
"Something's out of whack," I said to her. "We humans don't seem to be doing a verygood job of things. Our politicians aren't trustworthy and it's making us paranoid and more alienated from one another. What should we do?"
Lucy stopped licking her private parts for a minute and shot me a dismissive glance. "Grow a tail," she said, then continued her (ahem) activity.
"How would that help humans?" I asked in a scoffing tone.
Lucy replied, "A tail is an absolute barometer of one's motive. Happy is a quick wag. Slow wag is unpredictability. Stiff and high is on guard. Surrender is tucked down."
At that point she froze with her tail stiff and high, staring at an insolent squirrel in the yard.
The more I considered her point, the more I realized that human tails would help somewhat. If the governor had had a tail when he was saying he wanted to do right by Kansas schools, its slow wag would have told us not to trust him. A tail on Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach would have wagged ecstatically every time someone mentioned oppression of minority voter strength, giving away his true motive. You could read a list of potential wealthy donors to a politician and his tail would reveal who is secretly contributing to his campaign.
Instead of tail-less humans, we should start electing dogs to public office. They're easier to believe.